Interpersonal Communication- A Mindful Approach to Relationships, 2020a

we interact with friends and perceive friendships. You may even have symbolic links to your friends: the
nightclubs you went to, the courses you took together, the coffee shops you frequented, the movies you
watched, etc. all are links back to that friendship. It’s also possible that the friendship ended on a positive
note and you still periodically say hello on Facebook or during the holidays through card exchanges. Just
as all friendships are unique, so are their experiences of post-friendship reality.
Independent
Acquisitive
Friendships
Change Because
of Life Events
Friendship Styles
Beyond the stages of friendship
development, different people develop
different types of friendship throughout
their lifetime. Sarah H. Matthews noted
that ultimately people have three basic
types of friendships: independent,
discerning, and acquisitive (as seen in
Figure 10.4). 39
In her study, Matthews found that
independents often saw their friendships
based on specific circumstances in
their lives and not necessarily specific
friends. When talking about friends,
independents were more likely to about
“people they knew” or “people they had known,” not reflecting on specific names. Independents
were more likely to mention specific names when they talked about people they were interacting with
currently. For example, independents talked about friends during periods of their life (e.g., elementary
school, junior high/middle-school, high school, college) and not about specific people they knew for
long periods of life. Matthews argues that independents framed their concepts of friendships regarding
major life events. They also never reported having a close, special, or best friend relationship, so during
periods of major life events, they didn’t have specific commitments to the people they called “friends.”
Independents were also more likely to talk about friends as a general concept instead of specific friends.
Comparing independents to the stages of friendship discussed by Rawlins, you can consider these to be
more along the lines of “friendly relations.” Matthews chose the term “independents” because it reflects a
more autonomous state, “It was clear that most of them were not isolated people, but instead considered
themselves to be sufficient unto themselves.” 40
Discerning
Figure 10.4 Friendship Styles
Friendships are
Committed
and Longterm
The second type of friendship discussed by Matthews was the discerning style, which, unlike
independents, is marked by a deep connection with a friend or group of friends regardless of changing
circumstances in their lives. These friendships are marked by deep commitment and longevity, which
also means that when a discerning person loses a friend, they are the most likely to experience a deep
sense of loss in their lives. Discerners were also more likely to draw clear lines between friendly relations
and friendship. Overall, “the discerning identified … only a very few people throughout their lives whom
Interpersonal Communication 340