StudienVerlag - Oapen

Von Rolly Neumann
(o. O.), 1.11.1948
Ms. m. U., ÖNB
Sch- the truth of the matter is that there is nothing, das mich freut. It bores me to
meet people, to go anywhere, to travel even. It doesn’t even interest me any more
what happens to my manuscripts. I tried to find some new interest in Helga – and
that disappointment was and is a real blow. Otherwise I am glad to find enough
work in the house to keep me too busy too think much. And I feel like somebody
who is under life imprisonment – a real one, not 15 or 20 years. The only way out
is death. Not to be wished for fervently either but just waiting for it, hopefully
somehow. You see I don’t believe that death is a pure accident, it comes to people
when they have nothing left to live for – as it came to Lawrence (the Arabian one).
I say that without all pathos. I have nothing left to live for. It just doesn’t interest me
any more. I have been wanting to talk to you seriously for some time about such
practical things as the car and the house. They really ought to belong to you, and I
think once that S. business [sic] is settled we ought to arrange something about it
all. You see – nobody can go on living with a „dead inside“ for very long. I am not
sentimental about it, please do understand that, and don’t be sentimental either. It
is a fact. An illness like other illnesses.
This „confession“ won’t help you very much. I know and I don’t know what to
do about it. Do you want me to go away? It is asking a bit much that you should live
with a woman who is really not alive any longer. You used the conventional expression
„let’s be friends“ last night. But then, why should you have the burden of my
presence? We can be friends and not live together and give you the chance to have
something better! Let’s try to talk about it calmly some time. And do try and think
about it calmly first, without any feelings mixed into it. As far as I am still there I
love you – but that is just not enough, and I have been feeling guilty about it for a
long time. But then again, is one responsible for having cancer?
My poor Sch- what shall I do?
R
Der konkrete Auslöser dieser depressiven Krise ist aus den schriftlichen Zeugnissen
nicht ablesbar.
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