Leading with Emotional Intelligence: Hands-On ... - always yours

262 LEADING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
• Ask questions: Try to understand what is happening for
the other person by inquiring. “You seem down today. What
is going on?” “You seem tense today. Can I help you with
anything?”
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes: If you were in
the same situation, what might you be feeling? “If I were in
your situation, I would be feeling overwhelmed. How is this
for you?”
QUADRANT 4: FEELINGS ARE NOT KNOWN
BY SELF OR OTHERS
For the obvious reasons, these will not be addressed.
LISTENING AT LEVEL 3
When I was a doctoral student, I helped Dr. Byron Norton train
master level students in their counseling skills using the Carkuff
Model. The students would listen to a counselee and then paraphrase
what they just heard, without asking questions or giving advice. This
kind of listening is a lot more difficult than it sounds. The natural
tendency is to want to give advice and help the person. In this context,
helping is not just listening. You can really help once the person
truly feels heard. In order to get an “A” in the class, students were
required to make sure at least 75% of their responses were at what
is called “Level 3.” It takes a lot of concentration and skill, but the
people talking really feel understood.
THE FOUR LEVELS OF LISTENING
Level 1: Paraphrase content
Level 2: Paraphrase feelings
Level 3: Paraphrase feelings and content
Level 4: Paraphrase feelings, content, and meaning